would you like to super size that?

"anne": "i want to invite you and your family to come to my cabin for a weekend with me and my mom."

me: "your mom is crazy.  and dana has to work, and getting out the door with the kids for a weekend by myself is kind of a nightmare... "

"anne":  "i understand.  i mean not about the kids, but i do know what's it's like to take three retards to mcdonald's."

YOU GOTTA! YOU GOTTA USE IT!!

phone confab:

"anne": "what are you doing?"

me: "playing scrabble online, i have 'penis' i just need to find an 's' to latch it on to"

long-ish pause...

me: "goddamnit!  i can't find anywhere to put it!  i have penis and i don't have anywhere to put it!"

"anne": "YOU GOTTA!  YOU GOTTA USE IT!"

me: "are you hearing our conversation right now?  we're yelling at each other about me not having anywhere to put 'penis'.  i gotta go write about this on our blog..."

...and don't forget to hang up your sock.

"anne's" kids say the darnedest things...

"i have feelings too you know-

in my ass.

no wonder it stinks in here."

-LB

how tight is a horse's ass?

i was helping my friend i call "anne" organize her office today. she has a very large very old and awkward desk. she struggled to get the middle drawer open, it was catching on something inside. in order to get to it she had to take the top drawer out, sit on the floor and reach her long arm to the back of the offending drawer and try to get it unstuck. watching her as she was sitting there shoulder deep in her drawers, my mind wandered to equine rectal exams (naturally). i wondered, first in my head and then out loud to anne, about such an exam and what would prompt someone to be ok doing one? our conversation went like this:

me:"you look like you have your arm shoulder deep in a horse's ass."

"anne": (laughing at me, not with me) "jesus re, i'm trying to get this thingy unstuck"

me: "i wonder how tight a horses' ass is?" (anne laughs) "i mean, is it like a big blood pressure cuff, or looser and more squishy?"

"anne": "that blood pressure cuff can be hard to take sometimes."

me "yea, it really can."

"anne" frees the drawer from it's bizarre little latch and proceeds to shove it methodically and rhythmically in and out several times.

"i got it" she announces proudly.

hot crossed buns

brrnnggg brrrnnngg (that's my phone ringing)

"anne": "re? hi re. what do you know about dinner rolls?"

me: "plenty. what's the issue?"

"anne": "my cat knocked them down and tore a hole in the bag while i was in the bathroom and when i told my mom about it she said it was way to early to buy dinner rolls. which made me feel anxious and when i told tuberculosis (the boyfriend hereafter referred to as tb) he texted me and agreed with her and now i'm all freaked out because the one time in my life i tried to do something early instead of at the last minute and i get criticized for it."

me: "they're wrong. relax, they are brown and serve so if you froze them right after you bought them they will be fine to thaw and cook next wednesday. why is he agreeing with your mother anyways? that's never the right answer, you should make sure he knows that."

"anne": "i know, and when my mom is mean to me i punish myself. so, i slept on the couch last night. no retainer. now i'm all out of alignment and shit. how are you?"

me: (laughing openly at that last statement) "i'm fine"

"anne": "buh-bye."

me: "bye."

re? hi re.

...is how most of our conversations begin. where they will end up is any one's guess. here are some facts, speculations, and flat out lies about me and this friend i call "anne"...


THINGS WE HAVE IN COMMON:

- we both love to sleep.

- any object that could in any way be seen as phallic inspires each of us to hump either the air or a person near to us. (note- "anne" likes to look off into the distance with a dead look in her eyes while performing said hump)

-we share a love of mocking. shamelessly mocking ourselves, each other, and others at every turn. "anne" especially loves it when others mock her.

-we both have a deep love for/ obsession with our animals.

- humor is at the top of our lists of characteristics we value in other people.

- we like to bicker with each other.

- we both love lesbians. me, because i am one. "anne" because she wishes she was one.


- we love playing bar trivia and take it more seriously than some might consider healthy.

- we met in college. "anne" had a mobile made from tampons hanging from her dorm ceiling. i knew we would become fast friends.

- i love children, i find them very cute and amusing. "anne" loves retarded adults, she finds them very cute and amusing.

-we both love to talk on the phone.

- we love to blame each other, and others, for things that are clearly our responsibilities and faults.



THINGS WE DON'T HAVE IN COMMON:

- "anne" likes to do it with boys.

- "anne" is a cat person, i am a dog person.

- i wear one pair of glasses at a time. "anne" wears at least 2 pairs at once, sometimes even 3 in the summer.

- i get a big thrill out of making my family holiday card at christmas time. "anne' gets a big thrill out of making her holiday card for valentines day.

-i am married, have 2 human children, 3 canine children, and one tortoise daughter. "anne" has one boyfriend and 2 feline children.

-"anne" is overwhelmed making boxed dinners, i love to cook elaborate and tasty meals.

- i ramble on voicemail until it cuts me off. "anne" leaves short one sentence statements about something odd. (for instance: "when i'm at work, my cats listen to smooth jazz".)

- "anne" loves salty foods, i love sweets.

- "anne" cries easily and often. my tear ducts dried up in 1987.

-"anne" is a really good speller and punctuater, i have become slovenly and lazy since the invention of spell check.

-i think this blog is a really good idea, "anne" disagrees.